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In mid-August of last year, I came down to NYC for a weekend. A friend of mine who was out of town let me stay at his place, a studio on East 56th Street. He kept a nylon-string guitar in the corner of the apartment. I hardly play anymore, so I didn’t think much of it when I saw it.

There wasn’t much of an agenda that weekend — just a couple dinners with people I hadn’t seen in a while. Mostly I listened. But I started to get some ideas, too. I know that sounds like a simple, easy thing. But when you’ve been in a rut for so many years, new ideas can seem scary.

One of those ideas was to pick up the guitar in my friend’s apartment and record something before I went back home. Everything I needed was there in the room: the guitar, a chair, a table to prop up my phone as I sang into it…

But the song would take a little work. I started with the chords for “Pallet on Your Floor,” and wrote out a set of verses that I tweaked as I relearned the guitar part. I got stuck on the second verse, so I left it out. It’s an unfinished song — about ninety seconds. But it’s an idea that I made happen.

Since then there have been a few others.

 

144. 張, “Leaving This Town Blues.” Posted with LH#32: Apt 28.

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So I’ll be straight: It has not been a very good run. Been in this town ten years, and very little to show for it. I have a decent job, but while keeping it I have pushed away friends, let my ambitions rot, and lost my way to the point where plowing through the hours of the day on idle gives me a vague sense of achievement. “Once something quits changing, it’s dead” — that may not be a coroner’s definition, but I feel almost ready for the autopsy.

One of the few friends I have left is telling me I need to change. (Easy for her to say; she just moved 3,000 miles away from me.) She knows the idea terrifies me, though, so she comes up with a game plan that she thinks I can handle.

“Don’t go back to the places you always go to alone,” she says.

What? But those are the lonely havens...”

“You cannot go back to them,” she says. “Promise me — do not go back to any of them.”

I don’t give her an answer. Maybe, I figure, I could give it a try. One by one, I would say goodbye to my lonely havens and see if it makes any difference. Start with one, abandon it, move on to the next. Keep going until they are all behind me. Until they are gone.


張.
(a/k/a just a fucking “e” away from change)
08.20.10

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